Sunday, September 7, 2008

And I only shop at reputable stores!

Canada? No, of course not!

As the days (and days, and days) pass in which I arise each morning to a hysterical Toby in those darn shorts on the phone, the more I felt that a pair for myself would be the only respectable thing to do. My only regret is that I didn't have lavender houndstooth. And we're also not going to discuss why I had roughly 5 yards of houndstooth on hand.

After 9 days of fraud-induced hysterics, do you think Toby's face will stick this way?

As you can clearly see, these are every bit as flattering as the original.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Unfortunately, we've seen it all before

I think we all knew in our black soul of souls that Toby isn't the first one to find herself in a fraud-related financial pickle due to sheer stupidity. Yes, those silly wives of Charterstone have been at it for years, as seen in this 1967 storyline.

I think we can all see what's coming.

The 1960's-70's strips all would pretty much make sense if you removed all the dialog and simply put one of these captions below:

"If you'd stayed home like I told you to, not only would I still have a shirt on my back, but it'd be ironed too."

"See, this is what happens when you insist on leaving the kitchen. The public sphere [or in this case, the sporting sphere] is no place for a woman, and I hope you learned your lesson."

"Wholly lacking the ability to think things through, the plans of the slutty singleton are never successful, thus providing a stark reminder that a man's business should be left to him, and him alone."

Speaking of the "rights" of women, do you think they'll be able to vote in Santa Royale this November? I surmise that Toby will go with Ian to the polls (an educational, albeit potentially confusing field trip) and practice voting on those blank ballots. Then maybe in 8 years time she'll be ready.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

A Case of Questionable Decor

Most units at Charterstone are decorated with an abundance of hideous decorative pillows and extensive, if not obsessive, collections of cut crystal bottles and candy dishes. However, interesting things pop up now and again, and I think they warrant a closer examination.

Um, I generally don't leave mine on display next to my jewelry box, but whatever floats your Bum Boat, I suppose.

That's better. Your bedside table is really where those things belong.

Fat and/or naked ceramic figurines seem to grace nearly every bookshelf in Charterstone, but fetal kittens entombed in Pyrex seem to be a little rarer. Kind of like those scorpion paperweights, I suppose, but somewhat more severe.

Now I know what this is, so I think this is more a matter of poor execution of illustration. However, I think of how easy it would be to gouge out both my eyes in one quick stroke every time I read The Family Circus.

Everyone likes a nice poster of a pretty girl hanging in their office, but ripping out a lipstick ad from Elle seems a bit weird.

And my personal favorite, the Arcade Fish, which most definitely needs to also be in shirt form. Soon.

Holy Moly! The Pretty Purposes Collection has lamps too.

(sorry about tiny pictures, I don't have the time to resize them all!)


Being too poor to actually buy any of Santa Royale's hip, couture fashions, I must make them myself. With so many inspiring and majestic designs, I'd like some opinions. What would you really like to see next?

The Serenity Starfish Top

Far too elegant to just be called a "tee-shirt", this top embodies the peace and beauty of the ocean (when the weather allows.) Perfect for a semi-formal dinner date at the Bum Boat.

The Modern Squares Tunic

Time consuming, yes, but guaranteed to be an immensely satisfying endeavor as it will undoubtedly be the most unflattering thing I've ever created.

The Year-Round Scuba Dress

So very versatile, this dress seems to be not really appropriate for any season, so thus can and should be worn throughout the year. Combining eastern details with stiff, thick polyester makes for an outfit reminiscent of the most American sport of all time: scuba diving.

The Shroom Striped V-Neck

Remember that time in college when you ate some "special" chocolates and the shag carpet in the basement looked like the Sahara Desert? Same goes for this top, except the stripes look like beautiful ocean waves, crashing on the beach. Listen close - the rustling of polyester will sound like seagulls.

You can vote in the poll to the right.

Hairdos, but mostly hairdon'ts

My laptop's power cord stopped working again for the 4th time in 5 months, so I've been without my computer, and also without Mary Worth, for nearly a week and a half. My dear friend Becky was gracious enough to read the strip to me over the phone because I was getting somewhat edgy not knowing how Toby's fraud ordeal was progressing. I really didn't miss that much though - all Toby has managed to accomplish is a quick swim and listening to her voice mail over the last 10 or so days.

Anyways, although it might be less scary to forget that we saw Ian's chest hair, we cannot, and it really should be talked about. This post pales in comparison to the Milford Pantheon of Hair, but it is a necessary discussion nevertheless.

I expected Ian to have either no chest hair or tons, sprouting out the top of his casual banded polos. It's surprisingly sparse.

According to the Beard Chart on this page (Should males wear a beard? Should Ian wear a beard?), Ian's style is called a chin curtain. I approve.

Here's the 7-strand comb over that many of you have pointed out - why even try, really?

The flat-ironed Dorothy Hamill:

Not only do we get the 7-Stranded Wonder here, but also the unfortunate result of a mishap involving a 1994 guide to hairstyles, scissors, and the infamous Bag o' Drugs:

I'll add more as I come across them, or if you can think of a particular style that should be here, by all means, please let me know.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Mary Worth IS sobriety

This is a little different than what I usually post, but it's far too good to pass up. These little gems from 1977 are somewhat familiar (think drunken swan shattering) and clearly show Mary's brilliant track record of enforcing sobriety. I particularly enjoy Mary's "I mean business" look, which seems to also be effective in suppressing delirium tremens. Mary is the rehab, social services, and substance abuse counselor of Santa Royale while still being able to induce that crushing guilt that comes with disappointing your mother.

I also very much enjoy how every addict in Mary Worth always talks us through their addiction, as if we can't comprehend what the effects of drink or drugs may be.

"Gosh, this 'crack' cocaine makes me feel so super, like I won't need to take a nap this afternoon! Of course, it's a poor coping mechanism which really should be replaced with an intense psychiatric evaluation, but just a couple 'rocks' won't hurt! That cut glass decanter on the shelf looks perfect to smoke out of."

You think Dick Tracy is disturbing now? 1977 Dick Tracy is seriously the stuff of nightmares. Terrifying.

Friday, August 15, 2008

A Very Useful Guide to Technology

Given the recent events involving Toby and her computing aptitude, many of us have been left rather confused. Knowing that Santa Royale is technologically ahead by a least 15 years, I've been unable to focus on the plot while trying to make sense of all the things computers can do. I hope this little guide will help everyone who is in the same Bum Boat as me.

MagnoMail Lite

Features include:

* Small, compact monitor capable of displaying up to 4 lines of text per screen
* 86pt text
* No "mouse" accessory or other cumbersome add-ons

PortaMail Pro

Features include:

* Hip, slimline look
* 100% portable (sometimes called a "lap-top")
* 92pt text allows up to 3 lines per screen
* No silly, unnecessary programs - only can be used for electronic mail

MediScan SR93

Features include:

* Convenient 6x10 monitor
* Simple, non-cluttered screen displays precise graphs
* Does not actually scan

SecuroCompute XL

Features include:

* Maximum 1 line of text per screen leaves you less vunerable to others seeing large amounts of personal information
* TextMuddle option - displays scribbles rather than text as you type
* Perfect for those with past problems of computer security

AdvancedTech Mini

Features include:

* Multiple items per screen for advanced users
* Normal text size for the non-vision impaired
* Optional accessories like a "mouse" for expert programmers
*MicroType one-handed cordless keyboard with 22 letter keys, 7 number keys, and no obsolete function keys (thank you toonhead, you have a keen eye!)

MidComp Deluxe

Features include:

* Comes with 2 programs - limited internet for shopping and electronic mail - for the moderately advanced user
* Ideal for women
* Mouseless operation
* No filters for spam, junk mail, promotional offers, unsolicited sales email, mass virus-infected mail, scams, "too good to be true" offers
* Automatically deletes bothersome legitimate emails warning of phishing and compromised account security when you register for any site